Hi, I’m Jackie Chan.
I love women, they love me. I think they love me for my cheeky chappie persona. I just love a lady’s big grin as I buy her a cake by a river in Paris.
I’m here today to give all you poor kung-fu fans out there some love advice. It’s a common problem in letters to me, in between advice on the breeding of pandas. The most important element is first impressions, what lady would fall for a man’s woos if he had a dirty shirt on or crooked teeth with bits of beef stuck in them? Eew!
- You’ve got to dress good. Remember to iron your clothes, most importantly to put them on! Nude is rude!
- Next is be confident. Tell the lady that you’re great and puff out your chest. Talk about yourself as much as possible. Try to squeeze in some stories to make her laugh. I always tell tales of my daring-dos. They always go down well at Communist functions and parties at Sly’s house. You’d be surprised how much Mao had in common with Sly.
- Dress nicely. I have a range of full clothes lines in most Chinese menswear stories. A string vest with pink suede slacks is my current release. It’ll accentuate your muscles for maximum chest puffs! Also spinning bow ties always go down well, especially with elderly ladies.
- You must keep yourself well groomed, If you’re bald or have a beard, cut it off and put it on your head. Ladies need head fuzz to pat. Sly told me that one.
- Engage in meaningful conversation. Women are well aware that men are pulled in by their kung fu prowess, and while it is nice to compliment her, talking about looks alone shows that you are after her body rather than her mind. Ask her to show you high kicks and low blows instead of discussing the issues of the world or an interesting book you’ve read. Show her you have an opinion other than that she is hot, and you might become a keeper.
Go in peace brothers.
– written by Charlie Parker